Wednesday, April 13, 2005

What did one Barnes say to the other? (And who are these weirdos, anyway?)

` There is much cheese in the world, thanks to such weirdos like Barnes & Barnes. And so, this blog entry was inspired by Art and Artie Barnes ('The Great' Bill Mumy and Robert Haimer), who fill my e-mail box with weirdness, in response to people constantly asking and advising them about their music - and sometimes sharing their own; for example, Joey Migeed, who also has a blog called 'The Blog No One Will Read' at Blogspot. (Now: The Swill Files.)
` It's not bad. I downloaded one of his wonderful songs from Swill Records called "Grandpa is a Porn Star" (spoof of that insipid 'You're an All-Star'), as heard on the Dr. Demento Show. You can tell he really was was thirteen when he sang it - his voice can't go down quite enough to reach the lowest note.
` Anywho, they're all going on about all kinds of things - right now, they're all trying to figure out what Art and Artie should put on their next albums, etc.
` At one point, Art is asking everyone which songs (good ones, anyway) they should put on, and R.T. (Artie), who evidently never agrees with him, replies:

(11, April, 2005)

> They're ALL good, anal butt sniff head! Name a bad one? Don't you like High Heels And Cheese? Or A Day In The Life Of Green Acres? Or When Uncle Bob Comes To Dinner? Or????So Bill Mumy retaliates:

> They're NOT all good, looby juice stench breath! Name a bad one? "One More Squirrel With Mustard"! AND "When Uncle Bob Comes To Dinner!!" OR..."Beautiful Naked Women" shall I continue????


Note: They end all their songs with 'yeah' for some reason.

Anyway, because I'm idiotic, I actually wrote this:

The way you squabble makes me giggle girlishly. That's okay, though. I am a girl. At least that's what the doctors say.
` I just gotta idea... I think you should try writing
a song called Barnes vs. Barnes, actually, and you should be arguing about mundane Lumanian things. You know... really boring things... (by which I mean may not really be boring.)
` If you think that's a dumb idea, it seems to be my
lot in life - last night I made up a song about Laura Schlessenger and my cat rejected it immediately. If you think I'm saying this out of the blue as part of some twisted plot to get you to eventually kill each other... I'm not good at twisted plots anyway.

- Stupid Q

` The 'S' in my name, by the way, is not meant to stand for Stupid - I am thinking of trying 'Spoony', short for something like Spoonocious.

` Spoonocious Q... Don't think what I think you're thinking.

` Anyway, I tend to be kind of annoying like that. I keep forgetting questions and other stuff I mean to say. It's a common aggravating problem I have in life.
` Long DadRant short; my communications skills are an artifact of my dysfunctional upbringing. I had to settle for what my dad wanted me to settle for: Everything he said was everything there was to know, so there was no reason to ask anything at all; for all of my developmental years, I was conditioned not to even think of questioning anything.
` So I don't ask people questions for any reason, usually.

` In fact, currently, I am working on a song about my blathering dad, tentatively called 'King of the Universe' for now. This new song goes in a hypothetical album called 'That Explains Some Things'.

` Anyway, I mainly just annoy these poor people in the Yahoo Group known as Voobaha (approx. meaning; 'aloha').` Joey, as you already know, is a big fan and has landed himself on Dr. Demento's show. In fact, he has made his own edition of the 'I Had Sex With' series (B&B did ones like 'I Had Sex With ET', '...Pac-Man', etc), Joey's is called 'I Had Sex With William Hung.' Gkhhh!

This part corrected by Jeff Shippen:

"Jeff Shippen, I have come to realize, has a website with Barnes & Barnes songs on it. You can find it here. (By which I mean, highlight the below URL and drop it in the long white box at the top of the web browser and you will instantly go there.)" [I didn't have link ability at seo-blog...]

The new URL is:

Jeff Shippen | 13/05/2005, 13:27


Hey, thanks for the update!
Jeff Shippen, everyone! :D clap clap clap!

(I wonder what he thinks of my neurotic problems!?)
seequine | 13/05/2005, 23:31

` If you are still with me, I'm sure you would like to know who Art and Artie are, unless you know who I mean. Well, this should help:

` Art Barnes is an alien or something who lives in Lumania, which is on the continents of Africa and Australia in an alternate dimension. He is the alter ego of Bill Mumy, who also played my favorite alien, Lennier the Minbari on Babylon 5. (Minbari decidedly resemble caucasian humans with weird heads in appearance - as is usual on Sci-Fi shows - but their way of life seems to be picked from the various cultures of Asia, including martial arts, which Lennier is highly skilled in.)` One of the first things you see on Bill Mumy's web site is a picture of him as the bald, spiky-headed Lennier with a guitar. [Right>]
` Because of that, whenever I listen to Barnes & Barnes, I have always thought of Lennier with his hands [like that], leaning from side to side, metronomically, singing; "Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads..."
` (Or even worse; "I married Mama, 'twas the proper thing to do, I had to marry Mama, because our baby's due! We'll love our little baby, we'll name it after Dad, oh, I married Mama, the best girl I ever had... except for maybe Grandma-ma-ma... yeah!")
` That is utterly the last thing you would expect to come from cute little kickass Lennier... and so it is funny, ha.
` Ha. Ha ha.

` Also, there is another picture of him with a guitar as a boy. Does he look familiar? He might. That's because when he lived on another planet and his mom was June Lockhart, he used to have a robot that would emit useful information such as; "Warning! Warning, Will, Robinson! Danger approaching!"

` That reminds me, one time, I watched this episode of The Twilight Zone about all these people who are trapped in a town which seems to be isolated from the rest of earth (or else it's no longer existant!) and you see this kid who creates a two-headed badger and kills it.
` If you annoy him too greatly, he will tell you that you are 'bad' and turn you into something awful which will probably wind up in the cornfield. Yet, that was little Billy, long, long ago.

` (They still talk about the cornfield at Voobaha...)

` I guess he's done a lot of weird things in his life, as well as being a musician, so he eventually wound up becoming a music-loving Lumanian, inventing words such as 'Spazchow' (to suffer at the hands of women and make art) and 'Zabagabee' (celebration, festival).
` Since the seventies, he and Artie would travel via sound waves to this dimension, where they became regulars on Dr. Demento.

` Artie Barnes is the other guy from Lumania, the alter ego of Robert Haimer. He has done songs by himself, with Bill, and both of them have done songs as part of the band The Jenerators, etc.
` Sadly, I don't know the most about him, but you can always learn more by going to Barnes & Barnes' website instead of listening to me [in text?] blathering on about someone I don't know that much about.

` Anyhow, that's Voobaha, just another group I hang on around the outskirts of and occasionally try to timidly assert my existence to make sure nobody forgets me. It's always been what I've done...
` (And though it's on the internet, I find that the humons are very interesting to study even there!)

` Other than that, friends, family, whatnot, I'm always the odd one out, and have been told for eighteen years that I am the center of evil in the world and I cause everyone horrible problems, which my dad always said he could fix.
` I always had the impression that if I even looked at someone, it would defile them and so I hated it when anyone wanted my attention. Today, I actually ask people if I can 'bother' them.

` 'Bothering' the Voobaha gang really cheers me up!
` So my dysfunctionality continues...

But enough about me, I need go schweepy. Bye for now, I need sleep. It's after three in the morning and I need to be in PTSD therapy in twelve hours. Whoo. Sounds fun, doesn't it?

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